This is broken up into thoughts, phrases, and one sentence thoughts.
Welcome to the mess of my brain.

2020

January

Since moving to Los Angeles it feels as though I was constantly encountering mountains and giant’s. Then God reminded me,

“I created you to move mountains (see Mark 11:23) and slay giants (see 1 Samuel 17.)”

My truth became:
“This will not be a hard year because I am within God’s will perfectly.
Nothing but mountain tops stories and abounding in the Wilderness.”

I wrote this in response to an email I receive at the beginning of the year asking me about what my vision was for 2020:

“I guess in 2020 I would like to be more bold. I want to do it, anyway. I want to be unconventional and be okay with that. I want to stray from the idea of what life is supposed to be and to make it what I want to be. I want to “keep believing” in myself and the way I want to live my life. I don’t want to stay stuck in my mistakes but rather learn from them and keep moving forward. I want to cultivate new beliefs that fit my lifestyle and be more rooted in my core foundations. I want to be a wanderer with a home. I don’t want to get stuck at the starting line. I also want to be forgiving of people who don’t understand this life I have chosen. I also want to live this life confidently. To be strong and courageous but also have a good cry every now and again. At the end of 2020, I want to be able to look back and say, “I live rather than existed.”
– Becoming by Olguine Brutus

Since it is the beginning of the year everyone shares their hopes and thoughts for the year to come. One of these people for me was Savannah. She shared some words she heard from Barry Bennett,

“Your thoughts, words, and actions are the seeds you will harvest later on this year no matter the circumstances.”

“The future consists of thoughts you haven’t thought yet, words you haven’t spoken yet, actions you haven’t done yet, and circumstances you don’t know yet. Of the four components of the future, you control three of them. You choose your thoughts, words and actions, and each of them are “seeds” that carry potential.”

So what are you sowing now? What are you sowing today? Is it another bad habit or are you setting yourself up for the shift you would like your life to take?

Your future is in your heart. And the future of others can be shaped by what’s in your heart. Choose to be proactive in shaping the future this year. Be a sower of God’s love, kindness, faith, service and wisdom. Next year at this time you will look back on a harvest of blessings!”

I began to psych myself up with the Word of God.
“Nothing is impossible when walking in the promises and blessings of God and with God”
Is anything too hard for the LORD? Gen 18:14

“Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh. Is there anything too hard for Me?
Jeremiah 32:27

Of course when I didn’t see change happening right away I had to seek out truth and tell myself,
“You can have rest in the delay!
Patience: Waiting/hoping expectantly”

I started reading about resting rather than hustling to calm myself down.
Rhythms of Rest and highlighting all of it.

And during the waiting season I learned that God is Kind.

I learned to take control of my thoughts
Faith: Stop listening to yourself and start talking to yourself. Speak what God has spoken to you. Listening is passive, speaking is active.

“Right thinking will always generate faith. When you find that starting place then your outcome is generated from that starting place. Problems refresh you, bless the socks off you. [You’ll be] rested, refreshed, joyful, [and] full of trust. Out of your innermost being flows rivers…To be happy and refreshed…Problems aren’t here to make you weary or tired but the exact opposite. We are not meant to be empty, we are meant to be full.” Graham Cooke

I started seeking peace and remember when I experienced it in the past. I even found a theme song to strengthen my faith.

I got more into my church
Expression 58 is based on Isaiah 58 which is all about capturing the attention of heaven.

Who are really into Justice
Seek Justice, love mercy, walk humbly with your God. Micah 6:8

And still I waited
I know that joy is coming and I am expectant. Therefore, I count it all joy.
‘…yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. ‘ Habakkuk 3:18

‘And now, just as you accepted Christ Jesus as your Lord, you must continue to follow him. Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him. Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.’
Colossians 2:6-7

When God tells you the outcome he doesn’t always tell you the process but he told you the outcome so you know that you’re going to make it.

‘For all the promises of God in Him are Yes, and in Him Amen, to the glory of God through us.’
II Corinthians 1:20

And I worshipped
“You were made to walk with the Lord.” Jonathan Ogden

February

This month was hard for me. I was digging myself out of debt and trying to figure out what I want and have to do in order to leave my 9 to 5 which was currently an 8:00 to 4:30 at the moment.

I was also trying to navigate relationships
Forgiveness is a choice
Healing is a process
Grace over guilt
I don’t do guilt

But I Chose to have Peace.

And I was comforted by my Father
The greatest love sweep so low for a chance to know you and me – Touch The Sky Hosanna
Humble yourself

March

In march I learned about seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1 says: ‘’For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven’’.

Each season brings its own set of friendships.

Last year was a year of learning to take a breath before jumping and now I have to learn to breathe after landing.

I turned more to the Lord and sought Him in every moment in my life. There was a point when I was driving to work and I asked Him where should I be and He responded in a song, “I like where we are. When we drive in your car.” I had to laugh and just like that all my fears and worries were gone. My response to Him was “I know where I am and I know where I want to be. I just want to be with you right now.” Here in your Arms

I wrote my first Worship Poem and did not stop writing.

I put my two weeks in. And started counting down the days. Then COVID-19 hit the USA and the world stopped.

While spending time with myself I became more aware,
3/28
I can see myself becoming more self aware at this point. I can see that I’m analyzing what is missing and my needs. What I want is to know how to fill in the gaps for now? How to overcome this? How to seek you out in this moment, in this season? How do I become closer to you without ulterior motives? What makes me feel close to you? When I worship, I can feel myself in your presence. When I listen, really listen to your words I feel closer to you.

Touch of Heaven became my go to song.

I found myself greedy to spend time alone with the Lord.
“There is a delicate balance between needing the Lord and needing fellowship with others. Perhaps that balance is what the Lord is teaching you right now.” – P

The Lord highlighted various parts of
Psalms 23
The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

3/30
This is a process. So Enjoy the stillness.

In the stillness a new perspective of prayer was presented to me,
“Prayer changes me and then I change things.”

APRIL

My vision now looks a bit different from the first month but it still aligns with my ultimate goals.

I’m still reading Rhythms of Rest and loving every minute of it. It’s such a timely book to read:

‘Better a handful with quietness than both hands full, together with toil and grasping for the wind.’
Ecclesiastes 4:6

And continued cutting out distractions and loud voices in my life.
“You don’t need a voice right now you just need to keep going.”

I learned to have confidence in myself
“Have more confidence in yourself for what God is leading you to build.”

Do I trust myself? Do I trust in what the Lord has taught me? What the Lord has given me grace for? Am I doing my part in this partnership? I need to be the child who uses the knowledge God has given me throughout our walk to take the next steps and do the thing.

And rather than stressing about whether to go left or right I choose to Always take the path of Peace.

I found out what season of life I was in
Right now I’m on summer vacation where I’m going from one grade to the next. Where I rest in God’s presences and allow him to take care of me.

And I wrote out my purpose
Changing lives with words.

I thought about the progress of my relationship with the Lord: First He reached me with Words

And learned the language of Worship

“The language of worship goes beyond a song; it brings us to a quiet place, a secret space. Where we encountered the presence of God, that brings us the fullness of joy.”
– Pastor Jona Toledo

MAY

Still unemployed I entered into May and used the last of my savings to pay rent:
I only have $300 in my account. I started feeling really anxious because I didn’t have income coming in so I don’t know how I am going to make it through.

Then I wrote about how I was feeling. I remember someone saying,
“This isn’t a set back, it’s a set up.”

But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
I Corinthians 15:57 NKJV

When I got restless and tired of waiting for Him to tell me something other than ‘Wait’ I prayed and talked to God about looking for work.
I was praying and telling God all my fears, ‘I sought the Lord , and He heard me, And delivered me from all my fears.’ Psalms 34:4 and I was telling him if he didn’t do something then I will. He gently reminded me of Abraham having a child with his maid.

I remember reading Genesis 16 and thinking that Abraham should have been patient and waited on the Lord and now I was in the same season of resting and trusting.

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, And in His word I do hope.” ‭
Psalms‬ ‭130:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

I wrote another poem about God’s constant presence.

And after hearing a Sunday Sermon about planting roots and trusting the Lord, I decided to declare His Word, the Word over my life and situation.

‘that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love,’
Ephesians 3:17

Your words were found, and I ate them,
Jeremiah 15:16

JUNE

I was reminded of what the Lord had spoken to me last year
“9/9/2019
Sometimes it feels as though you are swimming up river. Fear not for I have already prepared a walkway for you. Those currents will soothe your feet rather than sweep you away. Walk with me for I have said that I will give you rest.”

The USA shook
From the very beginning of the past two weeks, my spirit immediately craved Unity.
I started writing poetry around this topic and I am planning to release a blog post on Wednesday about it from a biblical point of view. Because to me, it’s not about taking sides, it’s about focusing on what’s above.

‘Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth.’
Colossians 3:2

‘But God, who is rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in trespasses, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up together, and made us sit together in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, that in the ages to come He might show the exceeding riches of His grace in His kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.’
Ephesians 2:4-7

From the very first moment my primary thought was, “How can I represent God in this situation?” I suppose that is my lane at the moment. It’s also praying for Unity. Because Jesus came to love us in an intimate way and to preach the Kingdom of God, that is the Gospel of good news. I want to be more like Jesus.

I started reminding myself of God’s provision
6/19
I am in the desert and it feels as though I am in a hard place. But with God there are streams of provision even inside a rock.

‘They weren’t thirsty when he led them through the deserts. He made water pour out of the rock; he split the rock and the water gushed.’
Isaiah 48:21

Provision: It may seem like you are in this season forever but in a matter of hours everything can shift. The breakthrough is with ease ie Jericho Wall.

Then I went camping and spent the last of my savings for some fresh air. But what I learned out there was worth every penny
6/29
There is beauty in the preparation.

July

I spend the 4th with my housemate and her friend (who is now my friend) and we watch Hamilton. I’ve never watched a broadway musical and I was captivated. And thought, What If?

Once again I was reminding myself of God’s promises for this life and declare His word over my life.
7/13 I have peace. I have abundance. I will reap a fruitful harvest.
I need to declare my peace and sing your praises.

‘And everything I’ve taught you is so that the peace which is in me will be in you and will give you great confidence as you rest in me. For in this unbelieving world you will experience trouble and sorrows, but you must be courageous, for I have conquered the world!”’
John 16:33

‘Now, may the Lord himself, the Lord of peace, pour into you his peace in every circumstance and in every possible way. The Lord’s tangible presence be with you all.’
2 Thessalonians 3:16

I had a revelation
7/15
It’s the 12th year of me being saved and it’s the 5th year of me being delivered. So this year is the year of faith and grace for me.

August

I never read this book but I found the quote on GoodReads and it was confirmation of what was already said. Eight is new beginnings.

8/6
“Waiting for what? I’d like to know.
It is August.
My life is going to change. I feel it.”
Source

8/8
The Lord said he’d provided. Even when I ran out of money to pay my bills the Lord said no problem and canceled all my bills. I’m not making any money to live on but I still lack nothing.

Once again I got revelation and clarity
8/13
If I had to think about where my cave is, it’s here where I am now. I moved from Florida to Los Angeles and for that move I had to give up everything, leaving everything and everyone I knew behind to follow after God and go to a foreign land that I knew nothing about. Then COVID hit, and I had to stay in my home for long periods without any of the everyday life distractions.

It was only then, I truly gained the capacity to hear God speak. It was only then that I made room for Him rather than let fear take up space. And He told me all sorts of things. And I have been surrendering more and more to Him. The areas where I was holding on to things that were not serving me anymore were made clear. And I surrendered even more. The areas where I was striving to make a way, He made clear. In those moments of complete surrender, He taught me that He is my complete provider. He took my trust of Him to new depths.

During this time in the cave, is when I have truly felt that I am becoming who I was created to be all along.

I found out that where I live is call the Promise Land by some.
17th
Pasadena is called the promised land

The Lord told me that I was Gold. And reminded me that I was growing

8/20

‘Those who are planted in the house of the Lord Shall flourish in the courts of our God.’
Psalms 92:13

It was spoken over me back in July that I would have ‘Victory in a landslide’ so be it.
8/30
This week I finished my first article; Redwoods Guide, got a job, got to finally see the Griffith Observatory, got a $100 from the DMV. Finished patterns for sweater, shawl, AND started taking pictures for my Summer Capsule Wardrobe.

September

I thought more of what Gold meant
9/3/2020
Yellow-Faith and Glory of God, anointing, Joy
Green- Praise, growth, prosperity, new beginning, flourishing, restoration,
Gold- Glory, Divinity, Kingship, Eternal Deity, foundation, altar, beauty, precious, Holiness, Majesty, righteousness.

And who I was becoming
09/03/2020 – Who Are You Becoming?

9/6
Last month on the 6th day I wrote
“8/6
“Waiting for what? I’d like to know.
It is August.
My life is going to change. I feel it.”
Source”

And my life has changed. Opportunity is here now. Now I’m at the latter half of what was promised. The latter half of Faith and Grace the latter half of Selah and Sadeh. The time for rest is over. I have been equipped and sent out. From green to gold.

Learned more about how to bear fruit.
We bear shallow fruit because we struggle to stay where God has planted us. Endurance bears good fruit.

‘“I am the vine, you are the branches. He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing. If anyone does not abide in Me, he is cast out as a branch and is withered; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified, that you bear much fruit; so you will be My disciples.’
John 15:5-8

Celebrated the Jewish New Year and So I researched The Number 50 and The Number 80. Some of it resonates with the current time. But pray about it just to make sure.

OCTOBER

I got better at communication
10/6
The other day I had a conversation with one of the roommates and we were able to have an open and honest discussion. The whole time I had peace on me and I was open and receptive. And so was my face. I listened intently and heard the heart behind what was being said. It was the first time I was able to have an open and honest conversation about something that was unpleasant. It was thanks to the Lord. For connecting me with T and allowing me to be a part of her life and for showing me that it’s my year of grace and giving me time to pray into that. I have grace for myself because I took feedback without feeling like I suck and I was able to extend grace to her by hearing her side of things and making an effort to understand where she was coming from.

I recorded another win for me
Also I have ordered hiking shoes among other things and I just got back from a solo hike today. I’m really proud of myself for going out and doing things on my own here. For so long since coming here I had refrain from venturing out on my own but now I have more confidence and courage to do these things. And so far parking has not been a pain.

And another win
10/19
I went to the boost mobile store after failing to activate my phone and calling in twice with no solution. I was told my SIM card wasn’t compatible and I didn’t make it to the store before they closed yesterday. I prayed for the solution to be fixed within 10 mins but that felt like hopeful thinking so I prayed for less than an hour. My phone was working within 10 minutes.

I learned to run to God first whenever something arises
10/20
Something happened today and I started panicking and then I remembered when Israel got a bad report. There are two reactions that can be had. I know that I am called here. Therefore the battle is mine because that is what the Lord says.

The Lord reminded me of the story of the 12 spies. I had two options, I can listen to the bad report or believe in the good God.

“But Joshua the son of Nun and Caleb the son of Jephunneh, who were among those who had spied out the land, tore their clothes; and they spoke to all the congregation of the children of Israel, saying: “The land we passed through to spy out is an exceedingly good land. If the LORD delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, ‘a land which flows with milk and honey.’ Only do not rebel against the LORD, nor fear the people of the land, for they are our bread; their protection has departed from them, and the LORD is with us. Do not fear them.” ‭‭Numbers‬ ‭14:6-9‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

“The land we passed through to spy out is an exceedingly good land. If the LORD delights in us, then He will bring us into this land and give it to us, ‘a land which flows with milk and honey.’ Only do not rebel against the LORD, nor fear the people of the land, for they are our bread; their protection has departed from them, and the LORD is with us. Do not fear them.” Numbers‬ ‭14:7-9‬

“Then Caleb quieted the people before Moses, and said, “Let us go up at once and take possession, for we are well able to overcome it.” ‭‭Numbers‬ ‭13:30‬

I made an action plan or reminders for myself for when I get a bad report.
Today I got a bad report and I was lamenting about it.
[But] Jeremiah 29:11 clearly states, “For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.” So therefore if I really believe in that verse then whatever comes my way I need to know and believe that whatever happens, His plans are for me to prosper and not to harm me. I can only grow from here.

I joined a poetry group
Week of Oct 25th
Tomorrow I have my first poetry group meeting. Lord be with me and give me strength.

And for the first time I read my poems to a group of strangers
Just read a poem at my poetry group. I was so nervous and shaking but I got through it. I’m glad that I picked one I memorized. For my second poem I read Write. They liked how I read it and I’m glad that I started recording my poetry earlier on this year.

Being self aware is a weird thing
I don’t like it when people change plans. Why?

But revelation comes to those who seek it
Friday
It’s not that I don’t like change it’s just that all this week I had to do a lot of adjusting. By today I’m just tired. Tired of the change, I felt like I had down the rhythm of things. But now with all these changes it feels like the rhythm, my rhythms no longer matches the song that’s playing. That’s why I feel so irritated.

November

New month, new vision, same goal.

Things are becoming effortless now that I’ve adjusted to the rhythm
Tuesday
I feel like I’m really thriving at work.

God is teaching me how to accept kindness from others.
…God wants to bless me and wants me to be okay with relying on Him and others. I can do nothing but pray and trust that everything will be done according to His will.

“I’ve been finding that a small dose of courage goes a long way.”
Beatrice

I started having a bedtime routine.
I wrote a bedtime routine. My morning routine came naturally but not my bedtime routine. I want to see if it works.

Trying not to feel guilty when taking a break.
Tuesday
Today I didn’t have anything urgent to do for OMK so I took it easy and then I felt like I got nothing done.
…[I’m] asking God for more guidance as I go along.

And He does
I’m excited…for my 2020 Autumn Capsule. It’s going great so far. God keeps giving me combo ideas for the pieces I have in my closet.

I watched a few minimalism videos today because I am so overspending. I need to get off Amazon for a while. Maybe I’ll delete the app. Done.

And fell in love with my pace of life
Also I’m digging this bedtime routine thing. Even if I don’t get through the whole list. Well I’m off to do some stretches for my back. Goodnight.

Every season of life has a playlist. Well at least for me it does. Right now I’m really leaning into being aware of the presence of God. To be Kingdom Minded wherever I go. Therefore I find myself singing these songs a lot.

I got a testimony to share.

December

It’s a new month. God is still good.

12/04

“Your future is in your heart. And the future of others can be shaped by what’s in your heart. Choose to be proactive in shaping the future this year. Be a sower of God’s love, kindness, faith, service and wisdom. Next year at this time you will look back on a harvest of blessings!”
Barry Bennett

I learned about Hope and finished the Wanderer Mittens.

12/15
A lot of things are being talked about as the year comes to a close and the president is going to be decided. But I’m more worried about my peace being stolen.

12/22
I read through Whispers yesterday and I came across,

“It’s okay to live life and enjoy it even though everything seems so uncertain.
2020 – John 10:10”

Therefore there is nothing to fear. Praise the Lord that I ran to Him first and He lit up my steps.

Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalms 119:105

For the last few days the song walking on water has played through my head each morning.

12/31

It’s 10:36pm and I’m on the couch listening to cool air rushing through the vents of the kitchen and living room while fireworks go off miles away.

Really, I should be asleep right now since we have such an early morning and busy day tomorrow. My sister is sleeping at the opposite end of the couch and the children are sleeping in their beds.

It reminds me of how last year at this time I was in California, 3000 miles away, and felt so alone.

I had no friends. Only a roof over my head and a job that I wasn’t even sure I liked.

What a different place I was in a year ago. To think that I would be here with my family unashamed. Reflecting is helping me look back at it all. Knowing where I came from, where I was, helps me to be very grateful. To count my blessings.

Let me soak up this moment longer before sleep takes me somewhere far away.